Don’t you dare call me that without knowing what a great service I am doing for the country! For everybody’s good. I take great offense to this modern, western idea of cleanliness where everything is so sterile and smells so monotonous that even the disinfectant wants a whiff of something different. Also we have grown in a culture of being one with nature, even if it happens to be our own shit or the poorly digested dung of our domesticated and sacred animals. We have always lived like this, since time in memorial! To live like this, is to live like how our forefathers preached and practiced. That makes me a great follower of tradition as well.
How dare anybody, define hygiene for me and tell me what I can do or can’t do on the free streets of my own free country? I am a tax paying citizen of this wonderfully, smelly country and the fiscal well being of society is paramount to me. Besides, I also think there a great deal of utility in me throwing garbage on the streets, peeing on the roads and not to forget, in indulging in the country’s most favorite pass time, Sssppiittt-aaa-Ttthhoonnn.
This is where your imagination comes into the picture. Don’t mind the pun aa? Now imagine, copious amounts of blood-red colored, paan flavored, love laden saliva, being freshly dished out, in super slow-motion, with great panache towards a recently painted wall by a man sporting wavy but well oiled hair and a thin moustache reminiscent of a pot bellied 70’s movie hero! BTW, for your information, that’s very close to what I look like. This scene may be absolutely common, but yet it is delightfully refreshing, every time you see it, right?
Let me now illustrate with a few examples of how I am contributing to the nation’s GDP by throwing out garbage and peeing on the streets. Clearly, this is besides, my limitless energy to participate in the open coughing, sneezing and the rich-sputum-Spit-a-Thon Championships. Much to the disgust of cynics and possibly to the delight of the champions of animals, planktons and other single celled organisms rights groups, let me just remind you and society at large, that by participating in such events, I am greatly contributing to the overall ecosystem of the Influenza Virus. I am nature loving you see! For record, I’m talking about the virus that causes ‘the flu’ and not an online community of influential people who help spread messages like viruses. I call them the ‘Influenza me-toos’. Pathetic copycats!
Let’s talk garbage first! And like every other good citizen, I collect my garbage, all together, no separating them. Why waste money on another waste bin I say? Then, of my free will and accord, I walk up to my front door and I sssspppiiilllll it all out on to the street. Remember the routine, paan chewing man with wavy, but well oiled hair, in a very colorful beach shirt, also sporting very bright trousers walking up to the street in super slow-motion and exhibiting his devotion to the country,to the neighbors and the single celled organisms by throwing the garbage onto the streets. Right?
By admitting to this, you can see I am also an honest man. But in defense, by me spilling the garbage onto the street, I am supporting a whole bunch of people and Ecosystems. Don’t look so shocked. Let me explain; our neighborhood milkman, the poor man, barely makes enough to support his family of 8 people is forced to look at other means to enhance his revenue. So he gets into cheaper additives that can be added to the milk. At times, he even tries adding the municipal tap water when the complaints become too many. The extras that come along with that water act as natural ‘emulsifiers’ to make the milk look and feel thick. Now in such a scenario, how can the poor man afford quality fodder for his cattle? That’s where my garbage comes in handy. Milk man, opens gates to his cattle-shed very early in the morning; cattle sneak out in the darkness, follow the scent of the garbage, find it in front of my house, eat it and feel very happy because they now believe they are truly a part of the community because they are eating what the community is eating! Sometime, the only drawback, as my children see it, is after eating they also poop there. Now how can we teach these gentle cows that you don’t poop in the plate you eat in? I don’t yet speak Moo-lish na? Maybe that’s the problem.
But my wife has a fantastic solution to that too. She uses the freshly pooped dung as a natural insecticide by spreading it across the road. Sometimes, our neighbors complain about the smell, but they will get used to it. If we can get used to phenol, they can get used to dung as well!
Look at another scenario; garbage is in front of the house, the cat is inside the house and where are the poor mice? Having a feast in the midst all the garbage, of course! They make hay or rather bite into leftover cheese, when the cat is away. Very cheesy fellows! They then go back to fat and healthy, which makes them lazy. Which is when our clever cat comes back to catch them with ease. For me this is ingenious, because I don’t need to spend on buying expensive cat food now. Who said there’s nothing like free lunch?
But this is not it. I also help Dr. Dubey’s medical practice in big way. Though I don’t get any cut or commission from him or the rich pharmaceutical companies. Maybe I should ask them for a cut in sales for now on. What do you think? See I have just now even created a simple business plan, on the spot! Anyways, coming back, have you noticed, how people, I mean, us normal people, how when we see garbage, a strange pleasure that almost feels like one induced by the release of sufficient amounts of serotonin in the brain, creates a compulsion to spontaneously spit on the garbage. It’s almost, like an involuntary action that condemns the garbage that’s there. So with the garbage in front of my house, people with colds, without colds, with illness, without illness, straight, gay, black, white, oh sorry; wheatish, yellow, brown, tall, short, basically any size, any color, any creed, paan chewing or not, will spit on the garbage. Because a lot people walk around, they may pick up the ‘real’ influenza virus, which will make them unwell. And then who cures them? Dr. Dubey of course! Yes. Our friendly neighborhood Doctor Saab.
With the cows, the mice and rag pickers clearing most of the garbage; sometimes in a few days, I am also reducing the job for the municipality. This way, the ‘pourakarmikaas’ or people who clean up our garbage have less work to do and don’t have to bake in the hot sun. So what are they doing now? They are chilling and getting drunk at the local bar, which incidentally opens early eh! This way, the cost of transportation of garbage to the landfills by municipality too comes down many notches as there isn’t much to transport. It has all been consumed within the community you see. An almost perfect recycling system! The other big benefit is a dramatic reduction in the pollution levels that could have been caused by the transport vehicles ferrying the garbage to the landfills. Now the municipality uses fewer vehicles that make fewer trips. If there is not enough garbage to dump, the government too needn’t worry about acquiring land for landfills or displacing people from their villages for the landfills. So you see my small, selfless act of throwing garbage onto the streets can contribute to overall the fiscal well being of society!
I am the Great Indian Litterbug and I think it’s my birthright to litter.